As
I was training for ministry, we had to take part in some self-awareness
exercises. It was during these that I became aware of something I needed to
address. And that was a tendency to want to try and solve people’s problems for
them. To fix things. It was often something I’d found challenging in the workplace as a
manager. A member of staff would come to me with an issue and before I knew it the
problem was on my desk rather than back with them. It wasn’t that I was a
control freak, but that almost out of kindness I took the thing on.
My
ministerial training made me realise that as a minister I couldn’t take on
people’s problems. Hunting round for a way to manage this I started an Introduction
to Counselling course with Willows Counselling and, subsequently completed a
Certificate in Christian Counselling with them. I learned that as counsellors
(and hence ministers) we can’t take on people’s problems. We can listen to
people talk about their problems, we can walk with them through that difficult time,
but we can’t take the problem on and fix it for them.
Now
don’t get me wrong, there are some things - though rare it must be said – that a
phone call from me or an email from me can resolve.
But
most problems can’t be solved by me.
A
few years ago, the band Coldplay released a song called “Fix you”. It is
a nice enough song, and the sentiment is touching
When you try your best, but you don't
succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/coldplay/fixyou.html
Someone has a problem and then a friend
or partner comes along and fixes them.
But as I’ve said, it’s not like that. And
it’s not that simple.
Like many ministers, one of the things I
find difficult about lockdown (more so this one than the original one in Spring
2020) is the lack of contact with people. I try to keep in touch with people
from church by making phone calls and via emails. Sadly, the conversations are
all much the same as people have little to talk about. Rare moments of joy for
some receiving the vaccine. But for most others it is the uncertainty, the not
knowing, the fear, that is voiced.
And this poses me with a dilemma. Of
course, I can’t fix the situation. I can’t conjure up a vaccine or make Covid
go away. But should I just express empathy (after all I’m feeling the same) or
should I try and cheer lonely, frightened people up?
Like most Wednesdays, this morning I met
some other local ministers for prayer (via Zoom.) We are tentatively planning a joint
service to be run on Zoom in a few weeks’ time. And one of my friends made the
very good point that it should be hopeful and joyful as that is what people
need. He’s right.
Trouble is. What if the minister doesn’t
feel hopeful or joyful?
As we were praying the words of a Psalm
137 (or a 1970s pop song by Boney M depending on your point of view) came to mind
1 By the rivers of Babylon—
there we sat down and there we wept
when we remembered Zion.
The Psalm goes on
3 For there our captors
asked us for songs,
and our tormentors asked for mirth, saying,
‘Sing us one of the songs of Zion!’
4 How could we sing the Lord’s song
in a foreign land?
The Psalm remembers a
time when Jewish people had been taken by the thousands into exile by the
Babylonians. And whilst there, they tried to remember the old ways of
worshipping God. They remembered Jerusalem. But understandably they felt they
could not sing songs; they could not worship in this foreign land.
The Psalm came to
mind this morning I think as a reminder that there will be times when we don’t
feel joyful, when we don’t feel hopeful. This is true for ministers too.
And yet, as a
minister I am to be an encourager, someone who points to Christ who brings
hope.
There is an idiom
that has come from America which describes how I feel at present. And that is “put
on your game face”. According to the Free Dictionary the phrase means: “A
figurative or literal facial expression denoting a mental attitude of
determination or resolve in the face of imminent and difficult task, activity
or workload. Or an expression of stoicism intended to mask one’s emotions or
intentions” https://idioms.thefreedictionary.com/game+face
The phrase derives I
assume from professional sport and suggests not showing the opposing team that
you might be afraid of losing.
I find I’m wearing
my game face quite a lot at present to try and help people through this
challenging time – even if inside I feel the same worries as them. And that’s
not about being a Pollyanna (“someone whose naïve optimism may verge on the
insufferable” Chambers dictionary 13th edition.)
It’s not that simple
though. To support people, it is important to empathise with them. To show an
understanding of what they are experiencing, even if their experience cannot be
the same as mine. So, I do have to take the game face off from time to time. As a college lecturer once explained it, “Sometimes we have to get down in the pit of despair beside them”.
And we mustn’t
forget that it is important for people to grieve. To let people be angry. To
let people be frightened.
But ultimately, as a
minister, I am to share the Gospel, the Good News. And I do believe that even
in the darkest of times the light of Christ shines and the darkness has never
overcome it. I can’t fix anything, but I can point to the light.
(And if anyone has managed to get a reference to Coldplay and Boney M into a blog before, I'd like to see it!)
Very nice indeed. Thank you, David.
ReplyDeleteI draw a parallel from your thoughts about trying to fix everyone's problems.
Men in particular, when listening to their partner's problems immediately try and fix them! Sometimes, the partner just wants someone to listen. And understand.
Very good point Tom. It's been something that Ive been guilty of with my wife in the past. Think I've learned now!
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